Tuesday, April 5, 2016

Updated Day #96

Hi Everyone!

This is really personal post and If you want a different post in few hours I´ll be publishing a different new post. I´ve been on a lack of inspiration and in many  ways I´ve been out of myself. And sincerely the only place where I can feel happy is on my bed reading a good book. I don't wanted believe in superstitions but I am  not sure If this because the leap year or If is just because I turned 23 and that is the most complicated year on twenties or I simple I don´t know but since this year started I been off in some many ways. And I want a restart. Because I can´t believe that I prefer be procastinating for hours instead of study. And that is not good because during that time I am not even working and I feel completely empty. The only time that I can feel alive is when I am reading a book.  And I feel super annoyed If someone interrupts(*`へ´*) my reading. 

I am close to my graduation and I don´t feel excited about that I just finish this thing and be ready. But with this lack of everything I can´t find any inspiration or any motivation I was really depressed during February/March and you can see that in several of my posts because I am not a person that can cover the feelings and emotions and that is a huge problem sometimes, because I discovered that in adult life sometimes just need be polite and hypocrite with some people and If someone or something dislikes me, I show that I don't like that person with my expressions.

The past months I did a great mistake with a very important class and I don´t know after that,  I just felt worse. I can´t find happiness being everyday inside a hospital and I can´t find interesting learning about human body and I am not sure If this is about this lack of motivation or interest is something transient. Sometimes is better doesn´t feel anything because feeling anything there is not space for anxiety. I suffer of anxiety attacks and something is pretty fun about that,  and is that many people doesn´t believe in anxiety or panic attacks (- Θ- ) But the anxiety attacks are super real and If you have a brain you never make fun about someone with anxiety.


“Sometimes the person we think we’ll become is the person we already are, and the person we truly become is the person we least expect.”
Addicted for Now, Krista & Becca Ritchie


That is a wonderful quote about one of my my favorite books, this is a serie of books called Addicted to you by Krista and Becca Ritchie and they are very amazing books only you need read the books with an open mind. And you can find a new perspective and the background of each addiction. But that was only a parenthesis. 

If you find someone that really cares about you not only when they can take advantage of something of you like money times or connections please care about that people because they are unique and you can´t find that kind of people everyday. And to this point I want clarify that I am not talking about romantic relationships I am talking about family and real friends too. I feel today that my only real friends are my parents and I don´t feel nothing bad with that. But the reason is because I refuse to waste time, money and life with people that really doesn´t care about me. And why am I writing this post? Not only because I want share my feelings is because this makes me feel better with myself. 

I feel I failed and not to my mom, not with my grades (that this year really sucks) I feel I failed to myself because I am not sure who is this person. This person without motivation or dreams. But I read once that If you want reach a goal is better If you write your goal and like I dont have a diary I want write my goal here. You know is fun with the people thinks that one is stupid when one in reality is not stupid  but that will be on another post.


Me, Raimar I decide to be happy this year
I decided study at least three hours everyday and finish all my classes
I am going to read and enjoy all the wonderful books 
I decided to restart my life since today and feel motivaded because I don´t make regrets in future.
Even If I am not going to spent all my life inside a hospital I need and I am going to graduate soon. 
I will not think about the past will determine that each day and hour of my life will count
I want find this year improve my relationship with God that is my only real and wonderful friend.
I will be happy not because I have a perfect life or because I have tons of money (because nothing of that is true) I will be happy because I decided follow a life without regrets and I can´t do that If I am hating myself.



And If you reached this point and you are still reading this post congratulations you are a great reader not each people has patient for read all this mess. My new fundament is God and I feel shamed of myself to be for being separated of him.

The Lord appeared to us in the past. He said,
“I have loved you with a love that lasts forever.    I have kept on loving you with a kindness that never fails."


Jeremiah 31:3

That was all for today I really needed makes this post and wow this is a really long post but I feel better. Step by step I´ll be reaching to be myself again.  I want to be on December and say thank you God I did with your help but I did now I am again Raimar without regrets I can see in a mirror and reconogze the person that I am watching, that is my hope.


Bye Bye!!

40 comments:

  1. Personally I hated my years from 15-22ish. I think many of us feel the most insecure, low, and miserable during that time. I know I had moments where I thought about suicide, though it was never serious. But in my darkest moments, I did think about it.

    But you are a very beautiful woman, and from what I've read in your many blogs, you also appear to be very intelligent. I hope nobody tries to tell you otherwise.

    My brother used to call me stupid everyday since early childhood. I had pretty much believed him. That's until I took an IQ test and got 129. 85-114 is considered average.

    The most important thing is to have pride in yourself.

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    1. Thank you so much Adam I need start to believe in myself.

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  2. I hope you felt a bit better after writing all this from your chest.
    I can really understand your point of view, I've been like this for quite some time and I still sometimes sit there and just don't know. Maybe that's a part of growing up that no one told us about? A part of being lost where you have to find yourself? I don't really know but I believe we'll be fine. And not wanting to waste your time on people who are not worth it is completely fine, I am just the same. When I feel that a person is not worth it or that I am not worth it to that person, I just let it be. It's healthier for someone. No one has to surround themself with people who are toxic to you.
    But I just wanted you to know that even though we may not know each other (only through blogposts mostly) if there is anything you need to get off your chest, I always have a listening ear.
    I kinda feel like you share most of the views I have which is really rare to see :3
    I hope you'll be better, don't give up. Sometimes we don't know where we're going, but we just have to keep going. We'll reach our goal but we have to keep going. :)

    xoxo, Merce
    www.its-mercedita.blogspot.de

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    1. Thank you so much for your constantly support. You are always so sweet and I read this comment many times because I can always feel the good vibes and support. You are a great person God Bless you!
      xx

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  3. *hugs* I think we all go through something like this as one point or another. Take it day by day and try to find what makes you happy and just concentrate on that if you can. I wish you well and really do hope you get it all figured out!

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    1. *Hugs back* I need do that take day by day! Step by step!
      Thank you for your comment darling~

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  4. I hope you felt a bit better by now, Sakuranko!
    The importante thing, is that you do something that you like doing... And you will find that, some how. Listen to yourself... is the first step!...
    All the best!
    Ana

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    1. I want listen to myself more darling. Thank you for this sweet comment.
      xx

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  5. Really enjoyed reading this, thanks for sharing. I think your blog is lovely, let me know if you would like to follow each other x

    adelelydia.blogspot.com

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  6. Wish you all the best dear! kisses

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  7. Stay true to yourself and you'll be fine!

    Would you like to follow each other, dear? Let me know ;)
    Love, Marie Roget

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  8. Sometimes writing about an issue is the best way to deal with it. We all go through low times; hang in there!

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  9. nice post dear! keep up the good work
    xx,
    http://evelyn-halim.blogspot.co.id/

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  10. You're so right dear. When I feel so desperate like I want to give up on life, God always there for me, and also when I feel so much happy, He's also there for me. I don't really know what's your feeling exactly, but I am so happy that you decided to improve your relation to God. You'll more thankful for your life :)

    And also, yeah family comes first, it's so hard to find true friends nowadays, but just keep being you and be the best of yourself, ok?

    xoxo,

    |CHELSHEAFLO NEW POST|

    |INSTAGRAM|

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  11. Great! Love it!
    www.mejorvensolo.blogspot.com

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  12. You are great! it is not easy to write a post like that, respect! i hope you feel better soon <3

    lots of hugs, lovely Greetings!

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  13. I am 25 now) And I feel just so lost sometimes, that I don't know, how to get through it. May be that's normal?

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  14. I think no matter what stage you are in life, you can experience something like this. Focus on what makes you happy, and do your best to finish your studies. Definitely only surround yourself with people who truly care for you. Know that this is temporary, and nothing lasts forever. I hope you feel better soon! ^^

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  15. es una etapa , todo pasa no te preocupes ,,,

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  16. Sending you a huge hug. I have suffered with both anxiety and depression in the past and it is just horrible. Don't worry too much about uni- perhaps ask your lecturers/ tutors for advice. Above all, believe that it will get better- it did for me and it will for you. Take care

    Rachel xx
    http://www.thedailyluxe.net

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  17. What an uplifting post. In life, we have to choose what gives us satisfaction not only in material things but also in intellectual and spiritual sides. :)



    Saw your blog and thought if you would like to follow each other? Follow me and I'll follow back asap. Let me know what you think. I'd love to hear something from you! :)
    www.cielofernando.com
    FACEBOOK | INSTAGRAM

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Thank you sweetie for this lovely comment!

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  18. Just keep going and always pray! Thanks for your wonderful comment on Qing's Style Please always keep in touch, I would love to hear from you!

    Follow me @qingsstyle on Instagram and Twitter!

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  19. I think everyone has made a mistake in this life. Not just you, it is also me and everyone else out there who feel like shit afterwards. Time will heal everything :)

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    1. That is truth darling! Thank you~

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  20. It was never too late to learn dear! Feel so motivate while reading this post =D Pray and May God continue to bless you in your life and study!

    xoxo
    Sharon Lee
    www.snowman1314.com

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  21. I've been feeling the same exact way lately. I want you to know that you are definitely not alone! It's always good to take a break and spend time you really enjoy doing. Don't ever feel pressured to do something you don't want to do. I'll be turning 25 in a couple of months and it's made me feel like I'm in a slump. I'm excited to turn things around soon though.

    Hope you start to feel better :)

    http://www.shijakibanida.com/

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    1. Oh thank you so much for your wishes sweetie~

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  22. Heart touching post. I really appreciate you shared your worries and anxiety with readers. Everyone hits a point in life when they feel sad and low. Its okay to feel that and understand that time will pass away soon. Happy moments will soon be at your doorstep.
    Stay strong girl and Im sure your wishes will be fulfilled.

    http://naturelbellefemme.blogspot.com

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    1. Thank you darling~ So sweet words from you. God Bless you!

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  23. Dear Raimar, I hope you are feeling a little better now. I suffer from panick attacks and anxiety, and who says that they don't exist have been very lucky (so far). Hopefully they will never experience the heartbeat racing and end of the world feeling that we experience. You know, panick attacks drain you of your energy and motivation. I think it's a great thing you wrote down your goals. Stick to them and think at your life day by day, one step at a time. Once you have graduated, which is a huge milestone you should be very proud of, you can make another plan. Right now you really need to focus and don't let yourself be upset on expectations you project on yourself or think other project on you. Just go on, one breathe at a time. Tons of love dear :-) Baci, Valeria - Coco et La vie en rose NEW POST

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    1. Probably you don´t have an idea how your comment has encouragement to continue fighting! Thank you darling~

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  24. Cheer up my dear!!
    Te deseo de todo corazón que te encuentres mejor, y ánimo tu eres fuerte y puedes contra todo

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    1. Muchas gracias por tu comentario, lo aprecio mucho.

      Delete
  25. I think that it sounds like you are fighting your depression and anxiety and really taking great steps to being more positive and frugal, I'm sure this post will continue to motivate you even if you feel bad again. I think it is normal to feel a bit burned out during university, especially if you do a lot of repetitive or gloomy work. But I think it is great you want to get through this phase and finish your degree, I am sure that you will be able to find some medicine-related area you will enjoy eventually, or even if you change fields, it will still be useful for you to have this knowledge. Good luck!

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    1. Thank you so much for your incredible support with this comment. God Bless you darling~

      Delete

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