This is really personal post and If you want a different post in few hours I´ll be publishing a different new post. I´ve been on a lack of inspiration and in many ways I´ve been out of myself. And sincerely the only place where I can feel happy is on my bed reading a good book. I don't wanted believe in superstitions but I am not sure If this because the leap year or If is just because I turned 23 and that is the most complicated year on twenties or I simple I don´t know but since this year started I been off in some many ways. And I want a restart. Because I can´t believe that I prefer be procastinating for hours instead of study. And that is not good because during that time I am not even working and I feel completely empty. The only time that I can feel alive is when I am reading a book. And I feel super annoyed If someone interrupts(*`へ´*) my reading.
I am close to my graduation and I don´t feel excited about that I just finish this thing and be ready. But with this lack of everything I can´t find any inspiration or any motivation I was really depressed during February/March and you can see that in several of my posts because I am not a person that can cover the feelings and emotions and that is a huge problem sometimes, because I discovered that in adult life sometimes just need be polite and hypocrite with some people and If someone or something dislikes me, I show that I don't like that person with my expressions.
The past months I did a great mistake with a very important class and I don´t know after that, I just felt worse. I can´t find happiness being everyday inside a hospital and I can´t find interesting learning about human body and I am not sure If this is about this lack of motivation or interest is something transient. Sometimes is better doesn´t feel anything because feeling anything there is not space for anxiety. I suffer of anxiety attacks and something is pretty fun about that, and is that many people doesn´t believe in anxiety or panic attacks (- Θ- ) But the anxiety attacks are super real and If you have a brain you never make fun about someone with anxiety.
“Sometimes the person we think we’ll become is the person we already are, and the person we truly become is the person we least expect.”
Addicted for Now, Krista & Becca Ritchie
That is a wonderful quote about one of my my favorite books, this is a serie of books called Addicted to you by Krista and Becca Ritchie and they are very amazing books only you need read the books with an open mind. And you can find a new perspective and the background of each addiction. But that was only a parenthesis.
If you find someone that really cares about you not only when they can take advantage of something of you like money times or connections please care about that people because they are unique and you can´t find that kind of people everyday. And to this point I want clarify that I am not talking about romantic relationships I am talking about family and real friends too. I feel today that my only real friends are my parents and I don´t feel nothing bad with that. But the reason is because I refuse to waste time, money and life with people that really doesn´t care about me. And why am I writing this post? Not only because I want share my feelings is because this makes me feel better with myself.
I feel I failed and not to my mom, not with my grades (that this year really sucks) I feel I failed to myself because I am not sure who is this person. This person without motivation or dreams. But I read once that If you want reach a goal is better If you write your goal and like I dont have a diary I want write my goal here. You know is fun with the people thinks that one is stupid when one in reality is not stupid but that will be on another post.
Me, Raimar I decide to be happy this year
I decided study at least three hours everyday and finish all my classes
I am going to read and enjoy all the wonderful books
I decided to restart my life since today and feel motivaded because I don´t make regrets in future.
Even If I am not going to spent all my life inside a hospital I need and I am going to graduate soon.
I will not think about the past will determine that each day and hour of my life will count
I want find this year improve my relationship with God that is my only real and wonderful friend.
I will be happy not because I have a perfect life or because I have tons of money (because nothing of that is true) I will be happy because I decided follow a life without regrets and I can´t do that If I am hating myself.
And If you reached this point and you are still reading this post congratulations you are a great reader not each people has patient for read all this mess. My new fundament is God and I feel shamed of myself to be for being separated of him.
The Lord appeared to us in the past. He said,
“I have loved you with a love that lasts forever. I have kept on loving you with a kindness that never fails."
That was all for today I really needed makes this post and wow this is a really long post but I feel better. Step by step I´ll be reaching to be myself again. I want to be on December and say thank you God I did with your help but I did now I am again Raimar without regrets I can see in a mirror and reconogze the person that I am watching, that is my hope.